Book Review: The Bible

There have been many commentaries published on the Bible, but few have ever written reviews. This is therefore a novel occasion not only because I have never written for a normal magazine, but because this is the first time my reviews have been requested by any magazine.

The start of Genesis often rankles with the scientists due to its out-dated hypothesis surrounding "Why we are all here" - to use a cliché. On reading these first few lines, many have given their copy to a local charity shop forthwith, but this is an unjust rejection of a splendid tome: there is a wealth of versatile knowledge here. The entire Old Testament is a veritable "choose your baby's name" reference - provided of course that one's baby is Jewish, Canaanite, Hittite or Philistine.

The first five books could almost be an expanded version of the 613 commandments of the Jewish law, and the actual word for word quoting of the Ten Commandments has attracted Christians to this lovely volume within a book for centuries.

I was particularly struck by the care of the authors in providing exact specifications for building the Ark of the Covenant, altar and Tabernacles. This is a must for any self-respecting carpenter and metal worker who finds himself in the Sinai desert with no means to love God.

In the first book of Samuel, we see that the writer only just managed to stop Ewoks getting involved, but instead suffices with a brief mention of the witch of Endor. Many Star Wars fans who I have interviewed have long wished that George Lucas had the same sense of control.

The Old Testament ends abruptly, just as I was starting to feel really grateful with Ecclesiastes. They say it is best to finish on a high note and this is a just and good illustration of this wisdom. (Now I'm starting to sound like one of those damned scribes.)

Bad editing, unchecked for nearly two millennia, is the only plausible explanation for the slow start of the New Testament. The repetitive tone of the four gospels, without any tactful spacing which a modern editor would exercise, does not make for involving reading. But it drives home the point about the resurrection of Christ very nicely and I was ready to go straight down the local church and praise the lord, and was only stopped by the fact that I had still to read the Epistles and the Book of the Apocalypse (not to mention the Acts of the Apostles, and of course, I still had to write the review.)

The letters of St Paul show a touching tolerance and compassion rarely seen nowadays. I mean, if anybody stole my letters, I would have them scourged at the pillar by the local garrison, but no records exist to show Paul ever complaining. It is also absent from history that the recipients ever reported the matter either. Thanks to his complacency, we now have his letters to reveal the everyday life of an early-Christian era religious maniac, and a heart-warming record it is too.

The Book of the Apocalypse is all doom and gloom for most people; I however recognised in it a possible source of inspiration for Iron Maiden, Aleister Crowley, and Anton La Vey.

I would like to finish by giving this best seller my personal 'Best Book of the Year' and I look forward to its sequel. It is widely distributed, so you should have no trouble obtaining a copy. And if you don't want to pay for it, then the Gideons or the Jehovah's Witnesses will be no doubt glad to oblige.