Editorial: The Politically Incorrect Pagan

Most of us have been there before.

Somebody finds out you’re Pagan. The questions follow: “What’s a Pagan?” “What do you believe?” “Do you worship Satan?” The usual clichés are trolled around as innocent questions, as if the concept of a non-mainstream religion is too difficult to grasp without resorting to either the Wizard of Oz, hammer horror, or Macbeth. And when faced with such blatant and undesirable stereotypes our first knee jerk reaction is to come across as the complete opposite.

Witches are actually all love and light. We worship the benevolent Mother Goddess seen in nature. We only ever use our magic to help others. And we never ever summon demons, eat babies, or sacrifice virgins. Bla bloody bla. Don’t you ever feel like a broken record repeating the same placating and self-deprecating answers over and over again? And the more you say them, the closer you come to realizing you really are talking bullshit.

Most of you may feel that in the face of such ignorance it is our duty to the Pagan community to alleviate the fears of those still clinging to such naïve stereotypes, and that we must do our utmost to answer all questions about Paganism with responsibility, calm, and confidence. Fair enough, I can understand this if the questions being asked are genuinely interesting and vaguely intelligent ones. Such as “how do you celebrate your religious holidays” or “do you have a church or sacred place?” But such questions are a world away from the unimaginative “Oh my God are you like, going to curse me or something?” and “So you eat dead babies, right?” When confronted with the latter kind of question, what can you do?

Well, short of smacking the questioner in the head*, you could try a different tack to the usual “love and light” approach. I like to call it the “politically incorrect” approach, and it will give you hours of entertainment. The conversation should look something like this:

“What’s a Pagan? Don’t you worship Satan and all that?”

“Why actually we do. Have you let the Light of Lucifer into your life?” **

or:

“Do you eat dead babies?”

“Of course not! Don’t be so barbaric! The meat is too sinewy, not enough flavour. You’ve gotta marinade it for hours before you can do anything with it, and that’s not really practical in the middle of a satanic ritual.”

Because realistically what kind of moron truly believes that the person they’re conversing with eats babies, sacrifices virgins, and mutilates livestock on the Yorkshire moors? If they are so stupid that they believe this, then there’s not going to be much you can say to convince them otherwise. You might as well have as much fun with them as possible. And who knows? Perhaps their few brain cells will suddenly awaken and take note of the irony and sarcasm dripping from your mouth and inform them that you are simply showing them the absurdity of what they just said.

So, next time that fundamentalist Christian asks you if you sacrifice virgins to the Dark Prince at an orgiastic black Sabbath, just grin evilly and ask them if they’ve kept the seventh commandment faithfully.

Oh, and happy Ostara folks! Time to look forward to Beltane (keeping along the theme of orgiastic black Sabbaths…)

Blessings,

Kim Huggens
President CUPS 2003-2005, 2006-2007
Editor, Offerings

* Please note that the Pagan Society does not condone violence directed towards ignorant people, no matter how justified. Even if it does seem like a good idea at the time and it would really make you feel better.

** A friend of mine has informed me of a response that would do just as nicely: “No I don’t worship Satan. He’s a pansy.” But that’s hardly surprising: this friend does worship Horus after all.